Life is Beautiful

Life-Is-Beautiful

Hi Lovelies :)

This week God has constantly been reminding me how worthy I am of His love. For so long, I’ve felt broken and ugly..How could He want something so broken? He reminded me. Because I AM WORTHY. Worthy! I don’t often feel like I am..but as I continue to work my way through our Bible Study, I see assurances. He showed me in Psalm 139 that I am worthy….I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of a Father whose love NEVER changes. He cares for me, loves me, and I can always depend on his truth and not this roller coaster of feelings life throws me.

Last year was a roller coaster for me. I bought a house, remodeled a house, coached too much, stretched myself thin, struggled desperately in my first semester of graduate school, and wondered why no one loved me. I felt worthless. Rejected. Discarded.

As I battled through those fickle feelings, God was constantly drawing me closer to Him. You are beautiful my darling, He said. You are captivating, He whispered. How my heart longed to be those things. As I dug back into His word, I realized how I had failed to invest time into my relationship with Him. I had been going to church and reading my Bible, but somewhere in the chaos of my life…I had lost those still quiet moments with my Father.

The amazing thing…no matter how far I run, how little I invest, my Father stands there waiting with open arms when I need to run back to Him. Broken relationships can break a woman. I had been holding so tightly onto my heart for fear it would get broken again. Trust me, He whispered.

Tears filled my eyes. Never would my heavenly Father disappoint me. I slowly opened my hands and gave him the thing I treasure the most, my heart.

I had lost the girl I used to be. The one who loved Jesus with her every breath. The world holds no hope for me. The evil that seeps from it threatened to destroy me. I let go of all the hurt, anxiety, the layers of regret, the shame and embraced His love and the healing began.

I am worthy. I am beautiful. I am captivating. I am His.

There is power in the word of the Lord. He took my chaos and turned it into peace. He took my broken heart and made it new. He blessed me with the most amazing gift of all, His love.

I had one more thing clutched tightly in my hand..the reigns to my love story. But I was tired. Tired of looking for this fabled love. Tired. I turned back to my Father and said here, take these. I released the control that I had so tightly held for the last year.

I’ve often joked with my mom that I wished God would just drop a guy in my life and say, Hey Kat…here he is. I don’t know why I’m so surprised that He did just that. This new chapter in my life is amazing :)

All of those hopes, dreams and wishes I had been quietly recording in my journal for years are coming true. I can’t begin to tell you what a blessing having MB in my life is. I am amazed everyday at the beauty of his heart and his sweet smile. He reminds me so very often of how amazing I am. I am, I’ve realized, amazing. For the first time in my life, I’m embracing the beauty of what makes me…me. I should be amazing, I’m created in the image of a the most beautiful thing in the world, my heavenly Father. I thank Him daily for this six-foot five heap of blessing He’s brought into my life. I’m amazed at how intent MB is on pursuing my heart. He reminded me again last night that he’s not done with my heart to sit back and enjoy the journey.

This weekend we enter the next phase of our story. He’s meeting with my dad and praying for his blessing to pursue me. In another week, I meet his mom. I am constantly praying that I will be as much of a blessing to this man as he is to me. I am nervous to meet his mom! But so thankful she raised her son into this wonderful man of God. I couldn’t ask for anything more :)

Life is beautiful!

XoXo,

One Worthy Lemon

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Sorry, I’m not sorry..

 

Yesterday was frustrating for me..I snapped at my boss (and it wasn’t her fault..and I felt bad.) I don’t handle change well and it hit me like a brick yesterday. I’ve been trying not to think about it..because if I don’t think about it..it doesn’t happen right? But it does..and it hurts and it’s hard to process.

Lilly left yesterday..not the typical I’m going home for the weekend see you on Monday left..the I’m on the road to Atlanta promise you’ll call and we’ll stay best friends left. She came by my office to say bye while everyone was at a lunch meeting. So thankfully I had a few minutes to regroup before they returned..but it was hard..because I know how this works..we’ll stay bff’s for a few months..then life will get busy..the phone calls will slow down, the texts will get farther apart until one day you realize you haven’t talked to them in months..and that you’ve been replaced by a new best friend.

I feel like half of me is missing..with RJ being at school and so far into cardio block he doesn’t realize it’s been weeks since we’ve had a conversation..and now Lilly moving away..my heart is sad..really, really, really sad. I’m not like a lot of people..I don’t have oodles and oodles of friends..I only have 4. Two of them are now off living their lives and one is so engrossed with her soon to be fiancée & boards that she forgets there’s life outside of him. The 4th friend is great..but he’s not always a healthy friendship for me.

Yesterday, on top of Lilly leaving..he (#4) told me that I was too nice, that I’m a pushover and that basically no guy wants to date me because I’m too nice of a girl. At first I thought it was funny, but the more I thought about it yesterday..the more it really hurt my feelings. I am nice..because that’s the way I was created. I was created to love people…the people that most people don’t love because of the way they look or smell. I have a servant’s heart. I was never created to be in the spotlight. I was created to serve behind the scenes to make sure that life flows smoothly. I’m not the “bitchy” girl..I’m not the gossip girl..I’m just me.

This all happened while my boss was out..when she returned I was getting ready to leave..literally walking out the door keys in hand when she told me I couldn’t leave yet. I was really, really frustrated..because in all honesty I was barely holding in my tears. My heart was hurting..no one cared..so I may have been a bit rude.. (Dear boss..I’m really sorry..) I was tired and when I’m tired I’m not a pleasant person to deal with. Not a physical tired..but an emotional exhaustion…Needless to say, I finished her projects and out the door I went.

It seemed befitting that it poured rain my entire way home. I didn’t even turn on the radio..I just let the tears roll and the emotions seep in. I spent the rest of the night helping out with a Cooks for Christ benefit. It was exactly the kind of ending I needed yesterday. I spent hours serving food to people I didn’t know to help a man I’ve never even met. These people didn’t know me..I was the new volunteer. I hadn’t even finished signing in when a lady told me to put an apron on and follow her. From that moment on, I didn’t have to think, I didn’t have to talk..all I did was serve. It was amazing.

But I realized one very important thing, my self-worth isn’t based on what any boy thinks. It’s not based on whether or not I’m in a relationship or single. My worth is based on a relationship with my King of Kings. He made me to be the “too nice girl” because the world can’t be full of evil ones, and He made me to serve..because we can’t all share the spotlight.

So sorry, I’m not sorry..for being me :)

XoXo,

One Tear Spent Lemon