Isn’t it wonderful..

Isn’t it wonderful when someone shares something or says something that blesses you when you’re having a crappy morning?

I’ve really struggled this weekend. It seems like I’m surrounded by a million people but I’ve never felt so alone. I feel gray and dreary..my heart is sad, I feel as if loneliness has seeped into the depths of my soul and I can’t shake it.

I had my feelings hurt quite badly this weekend. Usually I’m pretty good at shaking it but not this weekend..it seems like one hurt after another occurred until all I want to do is sit on the back steps with my cup of tea and have a good cry (which I did this morning).

My heart just hurts..a guy that I thought was interested sent me a message Saturday saying: “You do realize we’re just friends right?” Bam..sooo friend zoned again..and I’m sad about it. There aren’t too many guys on this planet that I feel comfortable around. I’ve endured some traumatic encounters and it hinders my ability to trust men. It’s something that I have to constantly work on everyday. I have to choose not to let that fear reign. I’ve been to counseling and spent a year of my life getting over some intense anxiety because of it.

It’s so hard though. Because for the first time in a long time I trust a guy. He’s the only guy that doesn’t scare me, doesn’t push things, doesn’t intimidate me and I cherish that. As a girl sometimes I think I over think things and perhaps somewhere along the lines I misinterpreted “friendliness” for interest? I’m not exactly sure what happened but I suppose I’ve gotten the wrong idea about his heart’s interest. So I’ve been curled up this weekend trying not to over think it. He’s my best guy friend and I don’t want to lose that.

But my lonely little heart is so sad. I’ve been surrounded by all these happy people and I’m trying to be happy with them but it’s just not working. I’ve been following my holiday anti-blues plan and even that’s not working..

I spent Saturday night babysitting 6 precious little boys. They are my best buddies..and I want one of my own. There I said it..for the girl who pretends to be Miss Queen of Independence she secretly longs for a husband and a family and dog of her own. The boys are always asking me questions a mile a minute while I’m with them. They were asking me about my friends and what we’d been up to. I had told them a little bit about going to the Christmas party and getting dressed up. (They secretely LOVE princesses.) Neels asked me that if C was my very best-est friend..was I going to marry him? I love how these precious little boys discern my heart’s desire without me even knowing it. I spent three hours that night holding one precious teething baby and all I wanted to do was cry my little heart out. I’m so lonely. I love spending time with my 6 boys. It fills this tiny ok huge gaping hole in my heart for just a little bit. As I sang Lief to sleep, I thought how precious it must be to be responsible for such a wonderful blessing. Lief was only quiet when his head rested over my heart. For a few minutes we were breathing in perfect harmony.

Sunday, I had to run to a shower for my future cousin to be. Nothing like getting asked 16 times when you’re going to get married when you don’t even have a boyfriend. It’s sooo hard to smile and be happy when you’re so obviously aware of your singleness. Later that night, I went to church to see the children perform their Christmas program. I was supposed to meet up with my friend but she bailed. Needless to say, I was the only one in the entire church there by themselves. You’ve no idea how awkward it felt to know that I’m the only one siting there without family. I enjoyed watching the children perform but that little blanket of loneliness seemed even heavier.

This morning it’s gray and foggy..so fitting for how I feel on the inside. I was pretty down..and then my co-worker walked in with her usual bubbly self and said pull up this song. Wouldn’t you know it was exactly what I needed to hear? Funny how that happens isn’t it?

It’s a song by Jamie Grace called Beautiful Day.

The song says:

When trouble seems to rain on my dreams
It’s not a big, not a big deal
Let it wash all the bugs off my windshield
Cause You’re showing me in You I’m free
And You’re still the refuge
That I’ve just got to get to
So I won’t let a day go, won’t let a day go by
So put the drop top down, turn it up,
I’m ready to fly.

So I’ve just got to let go. He knows my dreams, He knows when my husband should come or if I’m to serve single, He knows..and I’m so guilty of forgetting that.

I’ve gotta believe and see. I’ve got to choose to trust in Him and not in me.

XoXo,

Katherine

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Friday Finally :)

It’s Friday :) Sorry I’ve been so quite y’all! My life has been insane these past few weeks post accident. But that’s a whole blog in itself :) My thoughts today…

Thank goodness I’m almost done with this work week….I’m sooo tired.

We’ve started a new processing system at work for our project management and I’ve begun to see how much work I actually do. I’m astounded. I knew I did stuff..but this helps me to quantify it :)

Alabama takes on JMaz this weekend..I’m beyond ready :)

This Bama girl has been waiting for football season and boy is she glad it’s back! This weekend I’m going to put on my Bama sweats, Bama shirt and enjoy the game from the comfort of my couch with a large cup of tea. I love fall but hate the transition between summer and fall. My allergies have been killing me. I pulled the neti pot out and the sinuses are still raging. So needless to say I’ve felt a bit beyond crummy lately.

I finally have a new vehicle :) So thankful that I no longer have to sport the grandma car :)

The search for a new vehicle has been frustrating. I’ve given myself a budget and nothing that I liked fell into my budget. No vehicle was what I wanted or the color was wrong. I’ve been praying and trying to figure out what to do. I finally had a peace about it last Friday and decided to quit stressing about it. Mom and I went to test drive some vehicles on Saturday and call me picky but nothing drove like my Koda.  So rolling on to Monday, my dad calls me about 11am to let me know my dealer was bidding on 2 trucks :) One was the exact make, model and year I had been looking for and……..guess what? $1,500 under my budget :) So I anxiously awaited to see where or not we won the bid. At 2pm I found out I did :) I’m now anxiously awaiting it’s arrival today :)

I love my Tornados!

I love fall because with fall comes fall soccer season! I’ve been blessed to have the opportunity to coach at our local YMCA this past year and again this year. I was super excited to have 5 kiddos from our team last year return to the team this year. Their improvement in technical skills is astounding. Mind you I help coach 5U so we’re talking little guys :) But even better this year..I have 2 girls on the team. I call them my double trouble duo :) They’re adorable! This is the first year they’ve played so I have the opportunity to mold them from scratch. S is the oldest and a fabulous listener. We’ve been working on learning to dribble. Tuesday night she ran up to me and says Miss Kat..I need to dribble better I’m not fast enough :) I love this kid!! She was getting so frustrated later on about not being able to score on the goalie. We had a little chat and I told her the secret to out thinking the goalie. Next play, S gets the ball, dribbles up, pauses looks at me (I smiled and gave her a thumbs up) and then she booted it into the left corner. Meanwhile the goalie had already gone right :) So Sadie scored her first goal ever and I don’t know who was more shocked S or her dad :) I’m excited to see how far she’s going to develop this season.

S’s sister A is a bit more timid. We’re still working on some fears. But! She stole the ball from our lead striker Tuesday night :) So the girl power is coming.

I love our little team! Anna‘s boys KC and Kaden are playing again this year and they are too precious y’all! Every practice they run up to me and give me HUGE hugs :) I treasure those! I know there’ll come a day when they’re to “cool” to give hugs.

I’m kicking serious Finance 341 butt right now :)

I have been extremely worried about my finance class. It was going to be my gauge on whether or not I would pursue a MBA degree in the spring. To give you a little heads up about me let’s just say math wasn’t my best friend in school. But…I’m making straight A’s so far and I’ve discovered something quite shocking..I love finance! I guess because it’s all applicable to my life (I own my own business on the side.) and where I want to go with my future. I find it hilarious that the 2 students in the class who aren’t business majors are making better grades than the business majors. (Like seriously guys? Come on.)

I am ready to get lost…

I have been having a ridiculous craving to be in a relationship & to have a guy in my life. I miss having someone to talk to, hangout with and enjoy. It’s literally become this semi-consuming monster in my life. I realized that I’ve failed to enjoy some of my singleness. So I’m ready to get lost completely and insanely in the one guy who always loves me..my heavenly Father. I’m going on this journey. For the next 10 weeks, I’m going to get completely, insanely, blissfully lost in Him.

XoXo!

One Sniffly House Hunting Lemon :)