Life is Beautiful

Life-Is-Beautiful

Hi Lovelies :)

This week God has constantly been reminding me how worthy I am of His love. For so long, I’ve felt broken and ugly..How could He want something so broken? He reminded me. Because I AM WORTHY. Worthy! I don’t often feel like I am..but as I continue to work my way through our Bible Study, I see assurances. He showed me in Psalm 139 that I am worthy….I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of a Father whose love NEVER changes. He cares for me, loves me, and I can always depend on his truth and not this roller coaster of feelings life throws me.

Last year was a roller coaster for me. I bought a house, remodeled a house, coached too much, stretched myself thin, struggled desperately in my first semester of graduate school, and wondered why no one loved me. I felt worthless. Rejected. Discarded.

As I battled through those fickle feelings, God was constantly drawing me closer to Him. You are beautiful my darling, He said. You are captivating, He whispered. How my heart longed to be those things. As I dug back into His word, I realized how I had failed to invest time into my relationship with Him. I had been going to church and reading my Bible, but somewhere in the chaos of my life…I had lost those still quiet moments with my Father.

The amazing thing…no matter how far I run, how little I invest, my Father stands there waiting with open arms when I need to run back to Him. Broken relationships can break a woman. I had been holding so tightly onto my heart for fear it would get broken again. Trust me, He whispered.

Tears filled my eyes. Never would my heavenly Father disappoint me. I slowly opened my hands and gave him the thing I treasure the most, my heart.

I had lost the girl I used to be. The one who loved Jesus with her every breath. The world holds no hope for me. The evil that seeps from it threatened to destroy me. I let go of all the hurt, anxiety, the layers of regret, the shame and embraced His love and the healing began.

I am worthy. I am beautiful. I am captivating. I am His.

There is power in the word of the Lord. He took my chaos and turned it into peace. He took my broken heart and made it new. He blessed me with the most amazing gift of all, His love.

I had one more thing clutched tightly in my hand..the reigns to my love story. But I was tired. Tired of looking for this fabled love. Tired. I turned back to my Father and said here, take these. I released the control that I had so tightly held for the last year.

I’ve often joked with my mom that I wished God would just drop a guy in my life and say, Hey Kat…here he is. I don’t know why I’m so surprised that He did just that. This new chapter in my life is amazing :)

All of those hopes, dreams and wishes I had been quietly recording in my journal for years are coming true. I can’t begin to tell you what a blessing having MB in my life is. I am amazed everyday at the beauty of his heart and his sweet smile. He reminds me so very often of how amazing I am. I am, I’ve realized, amazing. For the first time in my life, I’m embracing the beauty of what makes me…me. I should be amazing, I’m created in the image of a the most beautiful thing in the world, my heavenly Father. I thank Him daily for this six-foot five heap of blessing He’s brought into my life. I’m amazed at how intent MB is on pursuing my heart. He reminded me again last night that he’s not done with my heart to sit back and enjoy the journey.

This weekend we enter the next phase of our story. He’s meeting with my dad and praying for his blessing to pursue me. In another week, I meet his mom. I am constantly praying that I will be as much of a blessing to this man as he is to me. I am nervous to meet his mom! But so thankful she raised her son into this wonderful man of God. I couldn’t ask for anything more :)

Life is beautiful!

XoXo,

One Worthy Lemon

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High Five for Friday..not feeling it today..

It’s Friday..whew..I made it. This week has been a struggle my lovelies. I’ve had to apologize to multiple people for my attitude and rudeness. I’m tired, I’m stressed out, I’m broken..yep broken. I feel like I fell off of a cliff and smashed into the water.

These past six weeks of talking with James have been amazing..I was finally beginning to think that maybe..just maybe..I had finally stumbled upon a man who knew how to treat a lady. We’ve been on several dates now..Last weekend we went to dinner and I have never had more fun or been treated as nicely as I was that night. All week he had been excitedly talking to me and counting down the days until he got to see me. FYI: we live 2.5 hours apart. He picked me up, he opened the car door, he opened the restaurant door, he guided me with a hand on my lower back..all the little things that make my heart skip beats. I wore my favorite dress, I had on wedges (which he loved) and  he made me feel like I was the only girl in the room. He looked so dashing in his button down shirt and dark jeans.

Dinner was wonderful :) He took me to a quaint restaurant off the beaten path that only locals go to. It was once an old post office and is now a refurbished post office turned restaurant. He had made a reservation, we had a wonderful table..it was the stuff a girl dreams about. We ate dinner by candle light..and I must say it was probably the most romantic dinner date I’ve ever gone on in my life. We ordered our dinner and chatted the night away. After dinner, he said he wasn’t ready for the night to end so we simply drove around Charleston looking at the lights and talking. He dropped me off with a goodnight beautiful and a kiss.

Sunday morning I woke up to a text message from James asking me if I was awake..at 5am. I replied back that I was and he said good, throw your hair up in that messy thing you do and let’s go eat waffles. At first I wanted to respond and say I really need a shower and time to fix my makeup/hair..but then I realized something…I’m a messy bun kinda girl. If my sister and I were going to breakfast at 5am, I would have done just that..thrown my hair up, put a hoodie on and rolled out the door. So that’s exactly what I did :) Put my hair up, pulled on a hoodie and said alright let’s go. There is something wonderful about a guy who lets you be yourself..the girl that likes to dress up and go to fancy restaurants and the girl who loves waffles and eggs at 5am. Breakfast was crazy fun. Really relaxed.. James took me to another hole-in-the-wall place and we laughed and had the best time over syrupy waffles and eggs (waffles are the way to my heart..). We talked until it was time for me to go help my sister move into CSU (she’s a big senior this year!) and I didn’t think anything was amiss. He hugged me, said he couldn’t wait to see me again, kissed me and said he’d call me later that night.

That was five days ago..not a text, not a call, nothing since. So all of these feelings of doubt and insecurity have come sweeping back in. What did I do wrong, how did I mess it up, why am I so stupid when it comes to boys..and the list goes on. It’s hard..hard to realize that someone might not feel the same way about you that you do about them (this girl is in pretty crazy like of this handsome Marine). I was so careful..careful to guard my little heart because it was afraid of this very thing..being trampled on again. I thought maybe this time it would be different. He’s older, more mature, has his life together..but I guess I was wrong…

I’m okay with a guy changing his mind about how he feels about you..but I’d like the courtesy of an acknowledgement about it. Please just politely call a girl and say..hey, these past few weeks have been great, but I don’t think this relationship is something I’d like to pursue. To me that is painful to hear, but I respect a man who shows a woman such  courtesy. Instead of blowing her off like she’s nothing…because I am not nothing…I am something.

These feeling of insecurity have been a battle this week. It’s something I have to work hard at. Being confident, strong and independent take work for me. I never want to be the “victim”..I was one once..and I never want to be in that dark place again…but this feels a whole lot like it…I was talking with my best friend Payden about it the other night..and he said something very profound: “Sounds like he’s not interested.” It hit me like a wall of brick. It hurt..I’ve invested 6 weeks of meaningful, personal conversation and several dates. But I realized I had two choices..I could be devastated about this..which I kind of am…or I can remember that I’ve lived 26 years of my life without this man in it and I was just fine.

Now, if I’m wrong..someone comment back and let me know…But for now, I’ll take 5 days of absolutely no contact as his way of saying: “I’m not interested”. To answer the question of have I shown interest, yes, I have. However, I have been letting James initiate conversation. He’s been texting first, he’s been calling… I want to be pursued..I am not going to chase a man.

On top of dealing with all of these feelings of insecurity, which anger me, everyday I have to make myself look in the mirror (which I hate) and remember that I am a very accomplished 26 yr old female. I graduated from high school early with two diplomas, graduated from college with honors and two diplomas, have traveled the world, speak multiple languages..but at the end of the day…I’m still a lonely little girl hiding from the world between the pages of a book. I’ve been to counseling, I’ve tried joining new groups, making new friends, filling every hour of my day with something…but it still doesn’t take this cloak of loneliness away.

I have all these feelings running through my head and my heart 24/7..it’s like a bad dream you can’t wake up from..and the stress eating away at me. Work has been insane..I’ve felt like I couldn’t breathe all week. I love my job, I couldn’t ask for a better one..but this week it’s been a challenge to pull into work and put on a happy face. I don’t feel happy. I don’t want to act happy. I don’t want people to ask me how I am..because they really don’t care..they don’t. Have you ever noticed that if someone asks you how you are and you say you’re ok..they say that’s good and keep on walking? NO ONE CARES. I’ve sat in my office for five days, working extremely hard to get things done on time, coming in early and leaving late, listening to my music wishing for 5pm to get here faster. For the most part it’s like I live in a bubble for 8+ hours a day. It’s just me and music. There’s no one to eat lunch with because after being rejected invitation after invitation, I just stopped asking people. So I run. A lot. So hard that I can’t feel my legs. For an hour each day..it’s just me and my Nike’s killing pavement. Because it’s the only time I don’t feel alone…I feel alive.

Compound the stress of remodeling a house, packing to move, the whole James thing, loneliness and add graduate school onto it. Grad school has started and I’m loving/hating it all at the same time. I’m thankful I have an amazing best friend going through the program with me. He’s going to be my saving grace and I’m very well going to be his. I love Payden because he’s real. What you see is what you get. He took me to dinner after class Wednesday night so we could work on homework and looked at me. When I asked him why he was looking at me, he said tell me what’s wrong. He’s the only person this week that’s realized something was going on. It was refreshing to just talk. We talked until they kicked us out of the restaurant and then just sat in the parking lot talking and working on homework.

They should call grad school “sleep deprivation for the next two years of your life”. I have no idea how some of the people in my class do this. They have families, little children and full-time jobs. I’m single, have no kids (except a furry one), work full-time, coach and it’s kicking my butt. I fell asleep on my laptop the other night. I haven’t gone to bed until 1 or 2am every night trying to stay caught up on my homework and get ahead. Some nights I feel as if I’m reading Greek..but so far I’ve made all A’s on my assignments. So that’s been a positive this week.

All this to say..I’m having a really bad Friday and don’t want to give it a high five..but I’m going to make myself…here goes..

1 – I’m excited I’m actually finally in the MBA program. That in itself was a pretty big accomplishment for me :)

2 – I’m thankful I finally had one romantic dinner date.

3 – I’m excited that I finally get to move into my house this weekend :)

4 – I’m thankful for a brother that helps his sister paint her new house into the late hours of the night and helps her with accounting homework. One who forgives her when she takes out her anger at life out on him..one who hugs her and tells her she’s got this.

5 – I’m thankful that I have Monday off and can sleep all day if I want to.

 

So high-five for Friday finally being here :) What are you up to this holiday weekend my lovelies?

 

XoXo,

One Teary Eyed Lemon

Weekend Wrap Up..When Unicorns Aren’t Enough

Hey My Lovelies!

It’s a Monday! I feel like I haven’t stopped this weekend! It’s been crazy busy..but when is my life ever slow? Never.. July is always a fun month for my family :) It’s my mom’s, brother’s and grandma’s birthday plus my gram’s anniversary and the 4th of July!

I met a new guy! I decided to branch out of my normal circles..because guys in this town are oh so immature. I’m to the point where I’m just over it. One of my friends in Charleston has been bugging me to death to meet some of the guys down there. So I figured why not? I don’t have anything to lose. She introduced me to a former Marine. (Failed to tell me he was super tall!) He’s the sweetest guy y’all & he has a dachshund..automatic brownie points right there. James and I have been talking these past few weeks and I am enjoying getting to know him. When I say talking..I mean actually talking on the phone..as in he actually knows how to call a girl. It’s amazing! I much prefer talking to texting any day.

This past weekend we celebrated my mom and brother’s birthday :) My brother was born the day after my mom’s bday..she always jokes about he wouldn’t even let her finish her dinner. I remember the day my brother was born :) My grandpa took me out for breakfast and said well Pooh..(short for pooh bear because I might have been slightly obsessed..okay I won’t lie..I’m still obsessed with Winnie the Pooh), let’s go meet your little brother! He was soo tiny!! He weighed the most out of the 3 of us..coming in at 7lbs 5oz..Hard to believe he’s 5’11 now!

Mom and I spent her birthday tooling around town :) We’ve been making bangles together and decided to buy stuff to make a burlap wreath. My aunt was in town from Virginia and we all decided to meet up for birthday lunch. It was so much fun! All of the girls (except my little sister and cousin) made it. We laughed and giggled through our soup and salad. That afternoon mom taught me how to make Pop’s secret boiled peanuts. Seriously..nobody made them better than Pop-Pop.

Friday night, my dad and I went to pick up my sister’s new ride. A few weeks ago she encountered a flash flood in Charleston and instead of driving around the water she attempted to drive through the water. Needless to say, she learned a valuable lesson about water and electricity. Thankfully she was okay..but unfortunately Henrietta the HHR..was not. Dad finally found a good deal this week and I was kind of envious! I’m not a car person generally but I love the way a Volvo and BMW handle. So we picked up her new ride and took it over to the paint shop for a few minor touch ups. She had a Volvo before her HHR and wished that she hadn’t traded it in..but hindsight is 20/20 :)

Saturday was sooo insane! I had to run into work for an hour and half to re-upload a file..then it was off to pick up the two dogs I’m dog sitting this week :) They’re two of my most favorite customers. I love when I have repeat clientele! These little guys are adorable! I’ve been keeping them for the past 6 years. Otis looks hilarious! His mom took him last week to get a haircut and he was appalled that the groomer shaved him..he told me he’s much more dapper fluffy. Needless to say Buster, Otis and I always have a fun week together.

I was sad on Saturday. Due to a conflict, I missed a very important funeral. My dad’s contractor passed away last week : ( But he’s been more than a contractor to us..he’s been family. His father married my aunt in 2002 on Valentine’s Day. Their marriage brought our families together and created a very unique blend. My aunt and uncle’s house was always the place to be. It was there that I first met Mr. Grady. He was a precious man. His life might not have been the best…but the man could do some amazing things with wood. I smile every time I walk through our house..all the projects my dad thought he could handle only to have Mr. Grady come over and fix what he messed up. He built our deck on the back of our house :) He had battled cancer valiantly this past year..but losing his dad took a toll on him. We lost my uncle and aunt last year within 2 weeks of each other last year. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever lived through in my life. This year..Uncle Frank’s sons have died within months of each other. We lost Glenn and now Grady. My mom and dad were able to make the funeral and I felt better knowing they were there in my place.

Saturday was my crazy brother’s birthday. My dad decided randomly after the funeral that we should take off and go see him. My dad’s been sick the past two weeks so I offered to drive. Well..let’s just say that mom and I were talking and I completely forgot about July beach traffic until I was stuck bumper-to-bumper in it. A trip that normally takes us about 2 hours..took us four. But..being able to spend time with your only brother is what it’s all about :) I was excited to be able to see The Village Surf Shop’s new window in person. They hired a great typographer to come do some hand lettering. I’ve been drooling over the Instagram photos since they posted them. My brother is super tight with the owner’s so we’ve done a lot of business with them over the years. They also stock our Killa Surf Squad merchandise! I’m pleased to say the t-shirts sold out within a week. But don’t worry new stock is on the way! We went to the Conch Grille to grab some dinner and dad was in rare form. I promise you his jokes get worse and worse the older he gets. Kudos to our waitress for being a good sport and putting up with him. I had the most amazing Mahi Mahi! Grilled to perfection, it literally melted in my mouth. After dinner, we headed over to Old Time Pottery, one of my absolute favorite stores in Myrtle Beach. You just never know what you’re going to find there. I discovered they have a craft section! Mom and I saw the metal wreaths we’d been searching for to make burlap wreaths. I wish I had bought more than two. They were super cheap :)

The drive home was so much better. Only took me about an hour and forty minutes. But..after doing a HIIT workout Friday, running and driving 8+ hours on Saturday..my back was so stiff. I looked like an old lady walking into church yesterday.

Sunday night was super fun! I headed over to Anna’s house for KC’s 7th birthday :) I can’t believe how big her boys are getting! They were watching the World Cup when I got there. Her dad and I had the best time doing our own running commentary. I was the only one pulling for Germany. Apparently, James was pulling for Germany too. I got a hilarious text message from him with a photo of him in his Germany jersey & jacket. It’s always fun to spend time with Anna’s family :) Both her family and her husband’s family were there. They are just a fun bunch to hangout with. I’m glad they include me in their get-togethers. KC got a metal detector for his birthday and had the best time scouring the yard for hidden treasure. He found a big treasure in the backyard. A piece of old chain was buried and Hot Rod (Anna’s Dad) helped him dig it up :) So much fun! Anna makes the cutest cakes and decorations! You could literally create an entire Pinterest board with her decorations of cuteness. KC had a Lego cake and it was balling! It was soooo yummy too! Chocolate :) My fav!

It was a really fun weekend :) I went home and made more boiled peanuts with Mom. I attempted to make a batch by myself Saturday..and I won’t lie..I must not have done something right..they were horrible!

I feel like I’ve run a marathon this weekend..it’s been non-stop. Whew..

How was your weekend? Anything fun and exciting happen?

XoXo!

One Legs Propped Up Resting Lemon

7 Lessons Learned

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7 days till Christmas :) Today I’m sharing 7 lessons I’ve learned the hard way this year…

7 • Not all boys speak the same language.

Did I ever think that you were just cutting up with me and not flirting? Not when you called every day to talk about random things that weren’t work related, or told me how nice I looked, or asked my opinion about what to wear, or asked me to go over your speeches with you, or looked at me differently than you used too. So I apologize for misunderstanding.

6 • New York boys don’t understand a southern girl.

Did I ever think when we went on our first date in January that you would hurt my heart as badly as you did? No…but thank you for the best first date of my life.

5 • Confidentiality is taken lightly.

Did I ever think that when I talked to you in confidence you would tell him? No, but I’m sorry I ever thought you had more character than that.

4 • Not all boys are out to break your heart.

Did I ever think a boy from across the river could fall in love with me? That I would be the one to hurt you, only to realize too late that you might have been what I was looking for? No, but I’m glad God brought you a wonderful girl that loves you.

3 • Being the Ice Princess keeps me safe, but dead inside.

Did I ever think that I’d let my heart get trampled on this much in one year? No…but for just a moment it felt amazing not to be the Ice Princess and to feel something.

2 • Texting is never, ever a smart option.

Did I ever think I’d have a conversation with you that would be shared with the world behind my back? No, but thank you for teaching me to speak wisely.

Did I ever think that I’d be in two car accidents caused because people were texting? No, but thank you to a precious 4 year old (who I babysit) for asking me promise her I’d never text when I drive because she doesn’t want me to die.

1 • Boys are not the answer.

Did I ever slow down long enough to think that maybe this “boy” drama in my life is a crafty plan hatched to hit the one weak spot in my armor? That perhaps instead of pursing what the world tells me…I need to pursue the One who made me and crafted me especially to compliment an amazing man that He has created to compliment me?

Did you ever…
Have regrets? Misinterpret things? Make a fool of yourself?

XoXo,
One Enlightened Lemon