Sorry, I’m not sorry..

 

Yesterday was frustrating for me..I snapped at my boss (and it wasn’t her fault..and I felt bad.) I don’t handle change well and it hit me like a brick yesterday. I’ve been trying not to think about it..because if I don’t think about it..it doesn’t happen right? But it does..and it hurts and it’s hard to process.

Lilly left yesterday..not the typical I’m going home for the weekend see you on Monday left..the I’m on the road to Atlanta promise you’ll call and we’ll stay best friends left. She came by my office to say bye while everyone was at a lunch meeting. So thankfully I had a few minutes to regroup before they returned..but it was hard..because I know how this works..we’ll stay bff’s for a few months..then life will get busy..the phone calls will slow down, the texts will get farther apart until one day you realize you haven’t talked to them in months..and that you’ve been replaced by a new best friend.

I feel like half of me is missing..with RJ being at school and so far into cardio block he doesn’t realize it’s been weeks since we’ve had a conversation..and now Lilly moving away..my heart is sad..really, really, really sad. I’m not like a lot of people..I don’t have oodles and oodles of friends..I only have 4. Two of them are now off living their lives and one is so engrossed with her soon to be fiancée & boards that she forgets there’s life outside of him. The 4th friend is great..but he’s not always a healthy friendship for me.

Yesterday, on top of Lilly leaving..he (#4) told me that I was too nice, that I’m a pushover and that basically no guy wants to date me because I’m too nice of a girl. At first I thought it was funny, but the more I thought about it yesterday..the more it really hurt my feelings. I am nice..because that’s the way I was created. I was created to love people…the people that most people don’t love because of the way they look or smell. I have a servant’s heart. I was never created to be in the spotlight. I was created to serve behind the scenes to make sure that life flows smoothly. I’m not the “bitchy” girl..I’m not the gossip girl..I’m just me.

This all happened while my boss was out..when she returned I was getting ready to leave..literally walking out the door keys in hand when she told me I couldn’t leave yet. I was really, really frustrated..because in all honesty I was barely holding in my tears. My heart was hurting..no one cared..so I may have been a bit rude.. (Dear boss..I’m really sorry..) I was tired and when I’m tired I’m not a pleasant person to deal with. Not a physical tired..but an emotional exhaustion…Needless to say, I finished her projects and out the door I went.

It seemed befitting that it poured rain my entire way home. I didn’t even turn on the radio..I just let the tears roll and the emotions seep in. I spent the rest of the night helping out with a Cooks for Christ benefit. It was exactly the kind of ending I needed yesterday. I spent hours serving food to people I didn’t know to help a man I’ve never even met. These people didn’t know me..I was the new volunteer. I hadn’t even finished signing in when a lady told me to put an apron on and follow her. From that moment on, I didn’t have to think, I didn’t have to talk..all I did was serve. It was amazing.

But I realized one very important thing, my self-worth isn’t based on what any boy thinks. It’s not based on whether or not I’m in a relationship or single. My worth is based on a relationship with my King of Kings. He made me to be the “too nice girl” because the world can’t be full of evil ones, and He made me to serve..because we can’t all share the spotlight.

So sorry, I’m not sorry..for being me :)

XoXo,

One Tear Spent Lemon

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Becoming a Titus woman..

IMG_1205I LOOOOOVE first Tuesday :) Because first Tuesday means that at 7pm beautiful ladies converge upon Rebecca’s house for Bible study. There is something about snuggling into the couch with 10 other girls…women rather..my age and getting into the word. I know I don’t talk a lot about my faith on my blog, and forgive me, because I feel that I’m doing you an injustice by not talking about it. It’s a crucial part of my being, who I am, who I want to be.

The past few months we’ve been studying the book of Titus, specifically chapter 2. I never knew that so much wonderful info could be hiding in those three little chapters Paul wrote to Titus while he was at Crete.

We’ve been talking about the roles of the older and younger women in the church. I’ve always wondered why the older women aren’t more involved with the younger. I love them! They are a wealth of information and wisdom. My heart longs to sit under their teaching, but never do they seem interested in teaching a younger woman. I’ve resolved that even though I am young, I am still “older” than the youth and it’s my responsibility to pour myself into them. Being in a season of singleness is wonderful! I have so many opportunities to do things I won’t be able to do when I move into the role of wife and keeper of my home. But more on that later!

Last night we were a little on the small side, but that just makes it more intimate in my opinion. It’s beautiful to see the barriers and walls come down as we share our hearts with each other..barefoot and crisscrossed in the living room. We dug right back in where we had left off last night.

What is the role of “older” women in the church? We are to be teachers of good things. Good things..what does that mean? Things that are virtuous, moral, admirable. We are to be sober-minded, we are to love our husbands and we are to love our children. With the exception of Rebecca, we are all single. You might say, well as a single girl, how does this apply to me?  A LOT! We are to be sober-minded, because let’s face it..you can’t make proper judgements or decisions when you aren’t sober-minded.

Be Discreet ~ As we continued on through Titus chapter 2, we talked about being discreet. To be a woman of discretion, one must demonstrate good judgement. As a single woman, I need to demonstrate good judgement in my speech, my actions, my desires and my impulses. This one hit close to home for me. I’ve been battling lately against the desires of my heart and the desires of my flesh. I long to be married, I long to be held and loved by my husband. We talked about our relationships with the opposite sex, and I thought to myself..if my husband reviewed my actions of the last 3 months would he be pleased with my actions or disappointed? I’m sad to say I think he would be hurt. I am to be refined, tactful, modest, have foresight and not be unrefined, brash, boisterous, immodest, tactless, lacking foresight, reckless and self-indulgent.

Be Chaste ~ As we broached this topic, I expected to see some discomfort in the room. I love that these girls don’t try to justify sexual purity. I love that Grant and Rebecca & Ryan and Jen draw a hard-line on this one. Ryan has continually challenged us in Sunday School..both the career and college class to set our generation apart. The world screams at us constantly. Think about it..when is the last time you watched something on TV that didn’t involve sexual intercourse? He had us list our “favorite” TV shows and then we examined them. The top five: How I Met Your Mother, Grey’s Anatomy, The Office, Southern Charm and Game of Thrones. I began to think..how many episodes of Grey’s Anatomy have I poured into my brain? If you want me to be completely honest, I haven’t missed an episode since the season 1 premier. Knowing this, I can tell you that there is nothing wholesome or godly about that show. It is loaded with casual sex, lewd behavior and marital infidelity. Game of Thrones? The first 3 episodes contain blatant sexual scenes. I was really convicted last night about my chastity. A chaste woman places a high priority on holy living because her heart longs to bring honor to God. I wept last night on the way home because I knew that this was something I greatly need to work on. I am to be pure, unpolluted and virtuous. I cannot be unpolluted if I’m pouring hours of ungodly tv shows into my brain or reading “romance” novels with impurity in them. I prayed for my husband. As much as I know that the world is bombarding me with sexual temptation..I know that for a man visual imagery is a road that is slippery. I thought about the billboards I’ve seen around town, about the magazine covers in the checkout line and about the TV shows that are popular..all of them contain immodestly dressed women. How I hope he has such godly men as Grant and Ryan in his life molding him into a warrior and husband to be for me.

Be Keepers at Home :) This has been a revelation for me. Our society today seems to be solely focused on the “career” woman. But the more I read and study, the more I am discerning that being a “career” woman isn’t what God had in mind. Being a keeper of a home isn’t meant to strip me of my dreams or aspirations, make me a maid or knitter..it’s God’s design for the home to run smoothly and efficiently. (This is not to say that a man can’t run a home efficiently because I know they can!) Men can do it..but it’s something women do immensely better. Think about it..God made guys to think about one thing at a time. They weren’t created to multitask. WE THRIVE on it :) As a single girl how does this apply to me? I don’t have a husband or a child..oh but it applies so much! You have to begin with the end in mind! I may be single now, but I plan to have a husband and if God wills children someday. As a single woman, I can do things to ensure that my husband and I have a smooth start. I can learn to clean a house quickly, prepare meals and live on a budget. Because otherwise, you will struggle. My cousin recently got married and his wife cannot cook at all. She has no concept of living on a budget as she spends her money as quickly as she made it. They have struggled greatly this first month of being married. I do not long for that. In preparing for marriage, I should be wise with my finances not accruing a lot of debt. I shouldn’t pursue a degree that will require long hours and ladder climbing. Because debt takes time to pay off, working long hours damages your marriage and ladder climbing means choosing whether you are going to be submissive to your husband or your boss.

We’ve been talking a lot about being “submissive” to your husband. This has always been a hard concept for me..in my mind I equate it with weakness. But it’s not being weak at all. It’s being so strong. Rebecca has been an amazing model of this in my life. Being submissive doesn’t mean that I don’t get a say or an opinion. It simply means that although my husband and I discuss things..ultimately the decision is his to make and I respect the choice he makes. Will I always agree? Probably not..but how can I learn this if I’m not married? God gave me two amazing “keepers” until my husband arrives..my parents. I can practice my submissiveness to my parents. I can tell you that at 26 it is becoming more and more difficult. We also talked about being submissive to your boss at work. I realized that I need to be more submissive. While I may know that an idea may not work or look like it should, I need to be respectful of my boss and the decisions he makes.

Being a keeper of a home is one of the greatest jobs a woman can ever have. It’s hard work, but so fulfilling. It requires the ability to multitask, manage, submit, get dirty..and the list goes on :) It’s a job that requires you to completely give of yourself if you want to do a good job. All of these things are necessary to maintain the order and tranquility of your home in order for it to truly be a “home”.

As I prepare to have my own home in a few weeks..I pondered on the meaning of “home”. Home is a place where I can come to rest, rejuvenate, acquire necessary skills and resources to be effective in the world. The same should be true for my family. Our home should be a place of refuge for my husband..a place he can come after working all day and be received with love and respect. As the “keeper” of my home, it is my job to guard it. When my children come, it will be my job to make sure they are supervised. I am to keep watch over them until the time arrives for them to marry. When children are supervised, they are more productive and protected :) Until then, I desire to keep my home pure and holy. It is my home and I must guard what comes in. I want to be a woman of good repute in my neighborhood.

Whew..this sounds like a lot of work. It is! But don’t worry my dears :) It’s the best work we’ll ever do. We talked about seasons in life. I’m moving into a new season in my life. Each season contains different responsibilities and opportunities. We shared how as single women, we are able to minister to the married women with children. One thing Rebecca shared that really touched me was this..Don’t rush through the season! How many times am I guilty of wishing this “season” in my life would pass? I resolved to enjoy my life. So I’m single..big whoop :) I’m a soccer coaching, swimming teaching, preschool loving, amazing girl who gets to pour and pour into these young little minds who will one day (hopefully!) be sitting in my living room being poured into as Rebecca pours into me.

By manifesting these qualities, we will earn the respect of outsiders and bring glory and honor to God.

This is the moment I hate…the moment I know our time together has come to an end..these girls are becoming my dear friends. It’s been really hard to find friends who share my beliefs. Girls who are modest in their appearance and not using their bodies to lure men into their beds. It’s refreshing..I can’t tell you how refreshing.

To my husband, darling, I’m praying for you. You’ve been on my heart a lot lately. I have a feeling you’re near..but God’s telling me you’re not quite ready for me yet. Know that I love you so much. I can’t wait to pour this love I’ve been saving up into you. I’ve been praying for our home and life together. It’s going to be a beautiful day my love when I vow to love you for the rest of my life.

Until then, be strong.

XoX0,

One Ever Changing Lemon

Lament from Lemon

Well hello my dears! The week is young and already I’ve been through the ringer. Yesterday, I was all excited on my way to work. I just knew it was going to be a GREAT Monday! It’s a two-day work week for me and I knew I had most of this week’s projects already knocked out.

Got to work early (a big thing for me on a Monday!) and walked into my office. Sat down at my computer, turned her on and waited for my little fan fare from Apple to play…and waited…and waited..and waited..alas I finally got a white screen (my heart is now racing in fear) with an Apple. This is where every designer/photographer begins to slowly freak out as the realization of the fact that all of your data is saved in one place sets in.

So after going through the boot up in single user, fsck -fy, and all that jazz…(I’ll keep my nerd talk to a minimum). I gave in and called Apple Support.

I was impressed. Jason answered the phone in less than 30 seconds and we were on our way to figuring out the issue. He boiled it down to a OSX error that occurred when it updated last week. So we reinstalled Mountain Lion and he told me to call back if that didn’t work. The “reinstall” took a whopping hour + to do. I crossed my fingers, hit restart and boom I was at the login screen. WHEW!!!

I thought I was golden…..worked flawlessly for an hour…..then……

Macadamia DIED!!!!!! {I name all my computers..} the white screen of apple death returned…and I got really worried. So back to Apple Support I go. This time it took 9:47 for an operator to pick up. Apparently everyone’s computers/iPhones/iPad and such get hinky around the holidays. Benjamin assisted me this time and his diagnosis was a hardware issue. He then told me it would be 24-48 hours before an outside company would call to schedule a maintenance appointment with me..

HELLLLLLOOOOO! I do not have 4 days to wait for my computer to get fixed…she needs to be fixed like yesterday..

Hence the genius of two girls..My boss and I looked at each other and I said..why can’t I just take it to the apple store? By this time it was 2pm and I knew that I could be to either one in less than 2 hours. So upon approval of the head honcho boss-o, I loaded up my Mac Pro tower and off to the City Apple we went.

You know you have a serious computer when you walk in and everyone pauses…(or they were amazed that this kid had enough muscle to carry it..)

The Apple fellow asked me what I did because “normal people don’t buy these computers” (my mom laughed..of course I would be labeled as non-normal). Upon looking at poor Macadamia his verdict was even worse. Both hard-drives were “shot” and the power supply was shot. (WAAAAHHHH)

I accepted my doom and gloom and asked politely how long it would take to fix her. Of course it will be like a week..apparently no nerds work on Thanksgiving or Black Friday..really dudes? This is a level 5 emergency for this kid..

But…I am a very calm person..I simply said alright. I appreciate your time, please take good care of my baby (yes I said that!) and have a wonderful Thanksgiving (slight hint of sarcasm..).

Now I’m slumming it on our old computer..refreshing my memory on good ole CS4..and lamenting on how lame it is that I can’t have everything now now now.. :)

But, in the midst of my lament, I’m thankful for…

1 • Apple people who can save my data..all 13 months and 300+ projects worth

2 • A boss who let me take it yesterday, putting us on the road to recovery faster :)

3 • Awesome people at Apple who act like our problems are as big as we think they are :)

4 • Post Apple mayhem dinner with my adorable little brother and I got to hear all about his new girl interest (who I must say I’m liking so far!).

5 • Making it home safely :)

XoXo!

One Lamenting Lemon