Sometimes it’s okay to be a mess…

“Do not worry about what other people think of you. The work I am doing in you is hidden at first. But eventually blossoms will burst forth, and abundant fruit will be borne.” ~ Jesus Calling

This season of my life hurts…and hurts bad. I’ve been quiet about it, but as I’ve learned (yet again) that I have to talk about things or else they stay bottled up inside.

I’ve been living on my own since December. It’s been amazing…but for the first time in my whole life I don’t have to deal with my family 24/7. I can come home, unwind and breath. But I have a lot of time to think, which is challenging. There are a lot of things about my family that the world doesn’t know. Things I’ve grown up and dealt with for over 20 years. For longest time, I thought all families were like that.

In April, my parents split up. On one hand, I’m happy for my mom. But it’s really hard. I felt caught between the middle of a war. I’ve prayed for years that God would heal my family. I was tired of the lies. Tired of hearing people say they love my dad and I have the best parents in the world. When behind the doors of our home, life was another story.

They’ve since filed for divorce….that’s not something that you are prepared to deal with at 27….or at any time in your life I feel like.

There are no rules, no explanations, just things that happen. The house you grew up in being sold. The splitting up of family heirlooms. The awkwardness of trying to figure out which parent to spend what holiday with. The constant battle of trying not to appear as if you’ve chosen a parent. The pain of having to deal with 20 years of bottled up emotions, anger, grief, brokenness.

I’ve cried so much in the past four weeks, I don’t think I can cry anymore. I made a decision recently and I’ve really begun to question whether I made the right decision or whether I’ve screwed up the best thing I’ve ever known.

Matt and I started dating in January and it was a whirlwind. It scared me to death how perfect it was in the beginning. Then life began happening and I began to slowly freakout. Instead of being honest with Matt about it, I didn’t tell him what was bothering me. He’s so sweet and loves me like crazy and I wasn’t sure how to handle that.

But then the drama with my parents started, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The more Matt tried to be there for me, the more I felt smothered and I did what I always do. I pushed him away.

I always do that. It’s a side effect of moving 24 times in 18 years. We never stayed in once place long enough to make friends. Eventually, it was just easier not to make any than to have to lose them when we moved. Anytime anyone got close, I would just push them away. It happens when people have hurt you your whole life. Good people..people who claim to love you…and care about you..only to stab you and your family in the back.

So I learned to push them away. I built up walls to protect my heart.

It’s been three weeks since I sat down with Matt and talked to him about some concerns I was having. I felt like my life was spiraling out of control. We decided to take a break. I told him that I thought everything with my mom and dad was playing into our relationship and that I needed some time to work on me and deal with that. Time to heal, time to breathe, time to go see my doctor. He agreed to a break and I was relieved.

Being a mess isn’t pretty, it’s not something I like to let people see. It’s not something I’ve shared with someone before. But lately, I’ve realized that I want him here by my side as I walk through this.

A week after we had that conversation, Matt came over to my house and told me he wanted to break up. He asked me if that was what I wanted and it was and it wasn’t. But I thought if it was what he really wanted, then I guess we should. So I said it was fine. (Yes, I know..I need to say what’s in my mind. I’m horribly guilty of saying I’m fine, when I’m not.)

But I was devastated. I literally fell onto the floor after he walked out of the door and cried for hours. I feel like someone has ripped my heart out of my chest.

I’m really not sure that we/I made the right decision. I know we have things in our relationship that we need to work on. What relationship doesn’t? I take responsibility for my part. I need to be honest with Matt.

These three weeks without him have been hell. I miss him so much I ache. I cry myself to sleep at night because I miss him. It’s never been like this before. I’ve never been in love with anyone. That night Matt asked me if I loved him, and I told him I didn’t know. Because I honestly didn’t know. But now, I do. I love his goofy Batman shirts, the way he always brings me flowers, the shoulder massages after a long day, and the fact that I can talk to him about anything. I love how hard he works, I love his family. The first time I ever met them, I was scared to death. But they instantly welcomed me into their home, hugged me (weird because we don’t do that in my family, but I secretly love it!), and let me help in the kitchen. I felt like I fit in with them, and that was a big deal for me.

I love the way Matt protects me, the way he can look at me and know something is up, the way he cherishes me, and holds my hand. The way he brings me coffee before we head to church. I just love him. I love that he leaves notes for me with his pyramid of XoXo’s.

And now I’m afraid that I’ve pushed the one thing I truly love away. I’ve had this delusion that if a guy truly loved me, he would fight for me. It was hard for me to fathom that Matt would give up on me/us after only a week.

I can’t fix me in a week. I need time to heal. I’ve had a lot to process with my family and work has been beyond stressful.

So I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to talk to Matt and tell him how I feel or just let him be.

He seems to be fine. He’s playing in a band and living life…and I’m sitting here on my couch, wearing glasses, hair in a messy bun, wishing I could stop crying and sniffling.

Yes, I am a mess. But you know what….sometimes it’s okay to be a mess.

XoXo,

One Teary Eyed, Confused Lemon

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