Well I’ve done it again…hit the failure moment in life. Do you ever feel like a complete failure? Even though you really know you’re not? I hesitated to post this last week, but I think I need to.
This past semester of graduate school has been the most painful, horrible experience. It was nothing like what I expected. I didn’t expect it to be fabulous, but I did expect to enjoy some of it. I struggled greatly in one class. The teacher seemed to have a vendetta against me. I’m not sure what I did to gain her wrath but she cost me a complete letter grade. Nothing I seemed to do was correct. I received negative comment after negative comment from her. Instead of teaching me, she seemed to be belittling or condescending about my lack of accounting knowledge.
Meanwhile, I was thoroughly enjoying my Economics class. I was terrified about this class the first day! I had read and re-read the first chapter and it was as if I was back in Greek class with my dad. But Dr. K was fabulous, and soon he realized that while I might not be a traditional business student, I understood farming. When he began relating the economics to farming, it was amazing how many light bulbs came on in the classroom. It fascinated me! He took something I’ve grown up with and showed me the math behind it. I typically hate math (I had a traumatic experience with a math teacher..) but I found this semester that I really loved it. His class was so enjoyable that I hated to miss lecture. Our program is an online hybrid, but I loved staying on Wednesday nights to attend his lecture in class. His body movements and emotions made it come to life. I scored well on the first exam, but did not on the second. It fell during a two-week span when I was out-of-town at conferences. I struggled to study for the final as Accounting was weighting heavily on me. But I felt confident I did well. And I did..it just wasn’t enough to make up the difference.
This semester I have the lowest GPA I have ever had in my entire life. When you’ve grow up in a home where affection is semi-performance based..it’s a hard thing to accept that you’ve “failed”..even though I technically passed. I’m angry at myself..but clueless as to how I could have tried harder or done better. I’m questioning whether this decision to pursue a graduate degree was right..or was I completely wrong? Did I simply have a bad semester? Do I try another semester? Do I call it quits..even though I’ve never quit anything in my life?
I’m truly struggling. I’ve been sick for over 3 weeks. Nothing can be done the doctor says..I just have to ride it out. My body is tired. I have no appetite..and those old habits keep crawling up wanting to take over.
I’m tired my dears..and it’s a scary place to be tired, afraid, and to feel so alone.
I’m scared to move into my house. I’m finally admitting it out loud. There have been a string of burglaries the past weeks in our town. It’s got me on edge. Several young women have been attacked in parking lots and one has been stabbed. I don’t like being afraid. I’m scared to live by myself. I’m afraid of the alone time..because I’m lonely..and alone time + feeling lonely is not a happy place for me.
My sister keeps asking me why don’t I call my friends..and I think what friends? I’ve called and invited them to multiple things and once someone has told me no a few times I don’t ask again, I cross them off the list. I don’t want to be that desperate girl..I’ve taken myself out to dinner, only to receive those funny stares. I’ve gone to the movies by myself because no one wants to go. I’m tired of asking my friend to do things..because it always ends up being a three people event. While I love her fiancee..I occasionally just need to spend time with her.
I wonder if there is something wrong with me? I tell myself there isn’t..but so much of this makes me wonder..Everyone always says how much they looove me, and how much fun I am..but no one wants to hangout with me..no one at work eats lunch with me (except A and she’s awesome!). How many times do you ask people to do things before giving up on them? I feel like I shouldn’t have to ask twenty times..
Am I broken? Is there a reason I can’t seem to make lasting friendships? Am I undateable? Why do boys flirt with me only to date other girls? Am I too standoffish? Am I too confident? Am I? What is wrong with me? Is anything wrong with me?
These are the thoughts that have plagued me night and day for the last two months. I’m frustrated. I’m mad at myself. I’ve fallen back into those old habits I’ve battled for the last year to break. Emotional eating hasn’t helped..it just makes me even more mad at myself for not being able to stop.
I’m dreading Christmas…and I love Christmas. But this year, I simply want to go away..and skip Christmas..yes..skip it. Pretend it doesn’t exist. Why you ask? Because I know what’s going to happen. My dad isn’t going to come to our family Christmas Eve gathering. He’s going to make hurtful statements. He’s essentially going to ruin Christmas for me…
So what do you do when you hit these places? Where do you turn? What do you do when you can’t fix it?
One Clueless Lemon