Yesterday was frustrating for me..I snapped at my boss (and it wasn’t her fault..and I felt bad.) I don’t handle change well and it hit me like a brick yesterday. I’ve been trying not to think about it..because if I don’t think about it..it doesn’t happen right? But it does..and it hurts and it’s hard to process.
Lilly left yesterday..not the typical I’m going home for the weekend see you on Monday left..the I’m on the road to Atlanta promise you’ll call and we’ll stay best friends left. She came by my office to say bye while everyone was at a lunch meeting. So thankfully I had a few minutes to regroup before they returned..but it was hard..because I know how this works..we’ll stay bff’s for a few months..then life will get busy..the phone calls will slow down, the texts will get farther apart until one day you realize you haven’t talked to them in months..and that you’ve been replaced by a new best friend.
I feel like half of me is missing..with RJ being at school and so far into cardio block he doesn’t realize it’s been weeks since we’ve had a conversation..and now Lilly moving away..my heart is sad..really, really, really sad. I’m not like a lot of people..I don’t have oodles and oodles of friends..I only have 4. Two of them are now off living their lives and one is so engrossed with her soon to be fiancée & boards that she forgets there’s life outside of him. The 4th friend is great..but he’s not always a healthy friendship for me.
Yesterday, on top of Lilly leaving..he (#4) told me that I was too nice, that I’m a pushover and that basically no guy wants to date me because I’m too nice of a girl. At first I thought it was funny, but the more I thought about it yesterday..the more it really hurt my feelings. I am nice..because that’s the way I was created. I was created to love people…the people that most people don’t love because of the way they look or smell. I have a servant’s heart. I was never created to be in the spotlight. I was created to serve behind the scenes to make sure that life flows smoothly. I’m not the “bitchy” girl..I’m not the gossip girl..I’m just me.
This all happened while my boss was out..when she returned I was getting ready to leave..literally walking out the door keys in hand when she told me I couldn’t leave yet. I was really, really frustrated..because in all honesty I was barely holding in my tears. My heart was hurting..no one cared..so I may have been a bit rude.. (Dear boss..I’m really sorry..) I was tired and when I’m tired I’m not a pleasant person to deal with. Not a physical tired..but an emotional exhaustion…Needless to say, I finished her projects and out the door I went.
It seemed befitting that it poured rain my entire way home. I didn’t even turn on the radio..I just let the tears roll and the emotions seep in. I spent the rest of the night helping out with a Cooks for Christ benefit. It was exactly the kind of ending I needed yesterday. I spent hours serving food to people I didn’t know to help a man I’ve never even met. These people didn’t know me..I was the new volunteer. I hadn’t even finished signing in when a lady told me to put an apron on and follow her. From that moment on, I didn’t have to think, I didn’t have to talk..all I did was serve. It was amazing.
But I realized one very important thing, my self-worth isn’t based on what any boy thinks. It’s not based on whether or not I’m in a relationship or single. My worth is based on a relationship with my King of Kings. He made me to be the “too nice girl” because the world can’t be full of evil ones, and He made me to serve..because we can’t all share the spotlight.
So sorry, I’m not sorry..for being me :)
One Tear Spent Lemon