Isn’t it wonderful when someone shares something or says something that blesses you when you’re having a crappy morning?
I’ve really struggled this weekend. It seems like I’m surrounded by a million people but I’ve never felt so alone. I feel gray and dreary..my heart is sad, I feel as if loneliness has seeped into the depths of my soul and I can’t shake it.
I had my feelings hurt quite badly this weekend. Usually I’m pretty good at shaking it but not this weekend..it seems like one hurt after another occurred until all I want to do is sit on the back steps with my cup of tea and have a good cry (which I did this morning).
My heart just hurts..a guy that I thought was interested sent me a message Saturday saying: “You do realize we’re just friends right?” Bam..sooo friend zoned again..and I’m sad about it. There aren’t too many guys on this planet that I feel comfortable around. I’ve endured some traumatic encounters and it hinders my ability to trust men. It’s something that I have to constantly work on everyday. I have to choose not to let that fear reign. I’ve been to counseling and spent a year of my life getting over some intense anxiety because of it.
It’s so hard though. Because for the first time in a long time I trust a guy. He’s the only guy that doesn’t scare me, doesn’t push things, doesn’t intimidate me and I cherish that. As a girl sometimes I think I over think things and perhaps somewhere along the lines I misinterpreted “friendliness” for interest? I’m not exactly sure what happened but I suppose I’ve gotten the wrong idea about his heart’s interest. So I’ve been curled up this weekend trying not to over think it. He’s my best guy friend and I don’t want to lose that.
But my lonely little heart is so sad. I’ve been surrounded by all these happy people and I’m trying to be happy with them but it’s just not working. I’ve been following my holiday anti-blues plan and even that’s not working..
I spent Saturday night babysitting 6 precious little boys. They are my best buddies..and I want one of my own. There I said it..for the girl who pretends to be Miss Queen of Independence she secretly longs for a husband and a family and dog of her own. The boys are always asking me questions a mile a minute while I’m with them. They were asking me about my friends and what we’d been up to. I had told them a little bit about going to the Christmas party and getting dressed up. (They secretely LOVE princesses.) Neels asked me that if C was my very best-est friend..was I going to marry him? I love how these precious little boys discern my heart’s desire without me even knowing it. I spent three hours that night holding one precious teething baby and all I wanted to do was cry my little heart out. I’m so lonely. I love spending time with my 6 boys. It fills this tiny ok huge gaping hole in my heart for just a little bit. As I sang Lief to sleep, I thought how precious it must be to be responsible for such a wonderful blessing. Lief was only quiet when his head rested over my heart. For a few minutes we were breathing in perfect harmony.
Sunday, I had to run to a shower for my future cousin to be. Nothing like getting asked 16 times when you’re going to get married when you don’t even have a boyfriend. It’s sooo hard to smile and be happy when you’re so obviously aware of your singleness. Later that night, I went to church to see the children perform their Christmas program. I was supposed to meet up with my friend but she bailed. Needless to say, I was the only one in the entire church there by themselves. You’ve no idea how awkward it felt to know that I’m the only one siting there without family. I enjoyed watching the children perform but that little blanket of loneliness seemed even heavier.
This morning it’s gray and foggy..so fitting for how I feel on the inside. I was pretty down..and then my co-worker walked in with her usual bubbly self and said pull up this song. Wouldn’t you know it was exactly what I needed to hear? Funny how that happens isn’t it?
It’s a song by Jamie Grace called Beautiful Day.
The song says:
When trouble seems to rain on my dreams
It’s not a big, not a big deal
Let it wash all the bugs off my windshield
Cause You’re showing me in You I’m free
And You’re still the refuge
That I’ve just got to get to
So I won’t let a day go, won’t let a day go by
So put the drop top down, turn it up,
I’m ready to fly.
So I’ve just got to let go. He knows my dreams, He knows when my husband should come or if I’m to serve single, He knows..and I’m so guilty of forgetting that.
I’ve gotta believe and see. I’ve got to choose to trust in Him and not in me.